


death by a thousand cuts

by jeonghangel (orphan_account)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Flashbacks, M/M, Post-Break Up, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 08:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20561015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/jeonghangel
Summary: gave you too much, but it wasn't enoughbut i'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts





	death by a thousand cuts

**Author's Note:**

> hey i hate reading angst but every time i listen to this song i cry and i can't not write something based off a song that makes me that emotional

> _ i take the long way home _

it was a dreary wednesday night when jeonghan made his way home from work. there was barely anybody on the road, an occasional glow of headlights rolling into his line of sight. the streets were quiet and the lampposts illuminated the sidewalks ominously. 

desperate to fill the silence, he reached forward to turn some music on. quickly, a radio host’s voice filled the car, loud and jolting and not pleasant at all. grimacing, jeonghan flipped the channel up one, only to regret it immediately. a soft melody floated from the speakers, reminding him of the painfully empty passenger seat beside him. abruptly switching the radio off and allowing the noiselessness to take over once again, he glanced to his right, willing the oncoming tears down.

> _ i see you everywhere, the only thing we share _
> 
> _ is this small town _

a sole tear rolled down jeonghan’s cheek as the light ahead of him turned red. not one to break the law, he slowed to a stop, despite there being absolutely no traffic around. left to ponder, he turned to the side again. jeonghan could almost see him there, grinning while gps-ing the nearest 24/7 japanese place because they were both craving sushi at 3am. he could hear his laugh after one of jeonghan’s ridiculous jokes that didn’t really warrant laughter, but he was too polite to leave him hanging. he could see him running his right hand through his short black hair, eyes closing in a blissful smile while his other hand held jeonghan’s on top of the center console. but when jeonghan looked down at his hand it was uncomfortably alone, fingers curling into his own palm rather than someone else’s

> _ i ask the traffic lights if it'll be alright  _
> 
> _ they say, "i don't know" _

the tears were falling now; down his cheeks and off his chin. he looked up at the still red traffic light and around at the empty streets, angrily slamming a hand on the steering wheel. 

“ _ why won’t you fucking turn green?!” _

jeonghan quickly recovered from his outburst and retracted his hand, sitting back in his seat and letting the sobs come out fully. he looked up at the stoplight, vision blurred.

_ “why can’t i get over him? will it ever get better?”  _

he was met with nothing. it was the loudest silence he’d ever heard. only his sniveling breaking the stillness. to jeonghan, it sounded like a giant “i don’t know”. from who exactly? he didn’t know. the stoplight? the universe? the god he didn’t believe in?

the light turned green soon after, but jeonghan took at least a minute to notice. he dried his tears haphazardly on his jacket sleeve, proceeding through the intersection. 

> _ i get drunk, but it's not enough _
> 
> _ ’cause the morning comes and you're not my baby _

in a last minute decision, jeonghan turned out and drove to a main road instead of returning home. he needed a drink. the bar wasn’t crowded, as most people had to work in the morning (including jeonghan, but that was the least of his worries). jeonghan parked and hurried into the bar, likely seeming already drunk with his bloodshot eyes and glazed expression. he ordered a glass of whiskey from a waiter he probably would have been attracted to before he had fallen in love.

it didn’t take long for jeonghan to become intoxicated. unfortunately, rather than completely taking his mind off his troubles, they all just became a drunken blur in his thoughts, memories of him swirling and jumbling together. jeonghan’s head was in his arms on the table, eyes closed, shirt soaked from the tears slipping through them. he couldn’t pinpoint when, exactly, he had stopped ordering refills; it must have been over an hour ago. most people had deserted the bar by now, but he was in no state to drive himself home. jeonghan thinks the bartender may have offered him his number. he thinks he may have accepted. he knows for a fact he won’t contact him anytime soon. 

jeonghan didn’t know why he was here. why did he come here again? he can’t remember much except for  _ him _ . because no amount of drinking could ever make jeonghan forget him. drinking was useless when jeonghan knew he wouldn’t wake up the next morning to a familiar “good morning” text and a disgustingly flavored, yet miraculously successful hangover cure. there was no point in trying to forget. jeonghan could never forget how alone he was now.

> _ ’cause saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts _
> 
> _ flashbacks waking me up _

now, all that jeonghan woke up to was an empty space next to him begging to be filled. he woke up to memories of gentle hands around his waist and a head of soft hair buried in his neck. he woke up to flashbacks of a time when he couldn’t roll over onto his back without running into someone, when what his hands felt on the left side of the bed wasn’t just crumpled sheets.

jeonghan couldn’t help but wonder if this was what dying felt like. he never felt at peace anymore. happiness was rare and fleeting. all his thoughts were occupied by someone else and not in the exciting way it had been in the beginning. every memory of him felt like he was being sliced with a knife. every time he thought of him a new gash appeared. if only jeonghan hadn’t been so foolish as to put his life, his being, his heart and soul into someone else’s hands.

> _ you said it was a great love, one for the ages _
> 
> _ but if the story’s over, why am i still writing pages? _

he had been the best thing to ever happen to him, and he had said the same about jeonghan. had it all been a lie? he wasn’t his anymore. he had left him broken, and for that, jeonghan should hate him. but no matter how hard he tried, he could never get over joshua hong.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in 2 hours and don't have a beta and i only read over this like once sorry for typos... also tried really hard to make this 1004 words pls appreciate... if u have anything to say my cc is buddycarat im too lazy to link it look it up urself


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